if you're reading this...bless you.

this is lame but...

2005-06-25T00:45:00.000-04:00

but i have to say...after all the hoopla re: "tomkat" (blah)...tom cruise is an idiot. i'm all for medication for depression, add/hd etc. however, i disagree with the family doctor blindly prescribing by the family dr. without a fucking clue. but who is he...a g/d action star to say that these drugs are useless?

moreover, scientology is a fucking joke. it was created by a science fiction writer...

enough said.

trying this again

2005-05-31T21:07:00.000-04:00

finals kept me busy and i've neglected my blog horribly. though not intentionally. in fact i tried to post a few times and lost them. i'm in need of a new blog anyway. it became so one-topic. so there may be something new in the works.

my how time passes

2005-05-24T22:40:00.000-04:00

it's been waaaaaay too long. i'm planning on startin a whole new blog. coming soon to a monitor near you. ok...bad joke. i've been drinking and have to go to bed soon. my new summer job has obscene hours. i have to be there at 8am. i'm too drunk now to be of any use tomorrow. thank god the boss is on vacay. there's absolutely no work to be done until he returns. so i can study my bluebook to prep for my journal write-on. yay.

yes i'm alive

2005-04-21T11:46:00.000-04:00

just doing the finals thing. one down, four more to go. already, i'm over it. which is making studying even more tedious and painful than it should be.

make-up post for my yesterday's lost post

2005-04-09T15:31:00.000-04:00

from some book...yo mama's in the title...

When people look at yo mama's wedding photos, they remark that she looks "haggard."

Yo mama's so ugly, when she drops something in public, heterosexual men assist her only out of altruism, or in the hope that another, more attractive woman is watching.

Yo mama says, "Silence is a virtue." A lot.

If nervous tics were pizzas, yo mama would have five pizzas that freak everybody out.

Yo mama uses fake static noises to end face-to-face conversations.

Yo mama's picture is on the front cover of the controversial new bestseller The Boring Gene.

Yo mama was the subject of the TV movie Fat Insane Whore.

Yo mama's so mentally disturbed, if depression were pastrami, anxiety mustard, and obsessive-compulsive disorder lettuce, she could eat her mental problems as a pretty good sandwich. Only one problem, though: no bread.

Yo mama's so lupine, she chases rabbits.

Yo mama's so lupine, she barks, moans, whines, woofs, yelps, whimpers, growls, and snarls, but what really excites naturalists and laypersons alike is her howl.

Yo mama's so lupine, if she were killed, I would say that chances are she was killed by a wolf from a nearby hostile pack.

Yo mama's so lupine, she went to Alberta and was trapped for her pelt; but she gnawed her leg off and got away. Now she looks back at the experience with a hearty smile. Or is that a grimace? Whatever, she probably can't even tell what we're talking about.

Yo mama's mix tapes are just a bunch of recent U2 songs on one side and a "Weird Al" Yankovic album copied on the other.

Yo mama's CD rack is 90 percent those chocolate CDs her sister's company makes.

Yo mama eats, breathes, and sleeps With Every Man She Can Lay Her Hands On. (With Every Man She Can Lay Her Hands On is an unpublished romantic thrill-ride by yo mama's friend Fleatrice.)

Yo mama is very lupine, and although she is often mistaken for a Mexican gray wolf, or Canis lupus baileyi, I know that she is actually a red wolf, or Canis rufus, because she is smaller than the gray wolf (her head is narrower, also) and because one time I saw her interbreeding with a coyote.

The only reason yo mama doesn't grow a beard is because her facial hair comes in patchy.

Yo mama eats so many biscuits, the guy at the diner sometimes mutters to himself, "Whoa, slow down there, Winifred. Save some for the other fat people."

Yo mama's so industrious, she gives at least 110 percent every time, and sometimes gives infinity percent.

Yo mama has passionate opinions about the issue of wolf reintroduction in the north central states, and we all know why.

time to get down

2005-03-26T18:45:00.000-05:00

so i got my conversation with td out of the way. not that a conversation was necessary, but for whatever reason, i wanted to convey to him in some way, that i'm still attracted to him. because i'm sick of just being friends.

so we hung out most of the afternoon at the corcoran then the national gallery. on the way to the metro, i brought up that my friend thinks it's weird that td and i are friends. that he's of the "when harry met sally" school of thought. so then we start talking about various break ups and whatever. and i said, well short of serious asshole behavior i can be friends with people i've dated. he said, well i'm glad that we're still friends because i like hanging out with you. quick on the heels of that, i said, don't get me wrong, i'm still attracted to you but we're friends now. i said this as we were walking down the escalator so i didn't see his face but he kinda chuckled. it probably gave him a nice little ego boost.

so before i hop on my shady grove train, we make plans to hang out next week. he's got a stack of my cds plus he's made me another mix.

i said something without really saying anything. strike that...i basically said that i like you still but can be friends anyway. which isn't entirely the truth.

i'm no good at liking people. i'm really no good at asking for what i want. i've got no game, no rap whatsoever. if i want a direct answer, i should ask direct questions. but in my backwards way, i said something, put something out there and feel relieved to some extent.

now i can get on with preparing for finals and then leaving for houston after that. those are my priorities now because they're the only thing over which i have any control. not to mention that, in the scheme of things, he shouldn't even be on my list of priorities.

who's old

2005-03-23T18:21:00.000-05:00

i stayed up all night working on a paper. i slept for an hour from 7-8am. it's been a long time since i've stayed up all night. i made it to torts but coudldn't bring myself to hang around for crim. we're covering rape and i just knew that if some fool had something even remotely backwards about date rape, i would have killed him.

as i walked into the market, i saw td. he was gathering his purchases and i saw a bunch of flowers in one of the bags. i looked like shit and felt worse so hurried into the store before he looked up. of course, i ran right into a stack of hand baskets. who's a spaz?

i ran into him last week on the same shopping strip in cleveland park. he works around the corner and i live a few blocks in the other direction. it was the first time i had seen him in about two weeks which was an eternity since we're friends and all and were hanging out once a week.

he's probably seeing someone now. it would probably be pointless to tell him i'm still crushing on him. i'm helpless, i know. but when i think of him, i sigh (though not as hard as i used to). when i see him, he makes me run into handbaskets. that's gotta count for something. it may not mean something but...whatever. i'm tired.

flip of a switch

2005-03-16T15:54:00.000-05:00

i've been in a foul-ish mood this week. mostly because i've been putting in a lot of work. today, it was a beauty day (after studying all morning). not the relaxing, killing time kind of luxuriousness but the getting-my-sasquatch-breakout-prone self cleaned up kind. i had my first bout of laser hair removal. it's sounds extra but let me just say it's a necessity. i won't put y'all out with the details, not that they're that off-putting. but just call me sasquatch sister. my skin has flipped out so we're taking care of that too.

then i ran errands and for the last hour, have been reading the always useless vanity fair, out of habit really. who cares about the invasion of eastern european models? i skipped that piece.

so with my leisurely afternoon coming to a close, i'm heading to school. today was the extent of my spring break.

and everytime i come across a sxsw bit on my various film/music blogs, i get a twinge of nostalgia. i wish i were there. sigh. kat...you know what i mean.

picky eater with supreme court connections

2005-03-14T17:41:00.000-05:00

i'm sitting here, eating trail mix and procrastinating. the latter isn't all that bad considering the weekend i put in at the library. not to mention most the of day today.

trail mix is new to me in that i've only recently added it to my snack arsenal. after taking a handful, i examine it and take out any excess raisins. apparently, my palate likes its trail mix equal parts crunchy and chewy, trail-y and sweet.

i've scored myself a seat at the Supreme Court for the MGM v. Grokster arguments. It's a huge copyright case with wide-ranging implications, not only for digital technology but also general copyright issues. Essentially, "Big Business" aka the Content Industry aka the Content Cartel is trying to hold creators of peer-to-peer software liable for infringement by third party end-users. Argument in sentence: the software facilitates stealing.

the public can attend arguments at the SCrt; however, you have to get there early and line up for the limited number of seats. Thanks to my mom, the rockstar, I was able to get myself a seat. yay, mom!

on another tip: good news, i have a job this summer, interning with a judge. bad news, it's in houston. yuck, yuck, double yuck. the humidity, the stupidity, the flatness of the vastness.

holy cow

2005-03-11T19:26:00.000-05:00

i don't even remember posting the previous entry. well, i didn't remember until i read it. then, the memory returned to me. tho i still can't recall if i posted when i was kinda drunk or really drunk. either way, i was drinking when i shouldn't have been. it's such a tangled mess of reasonss and circumstances...this drinking thing. too much to comment on right now.

i'm drunk so there

2005-03-11T01:30:00.000-05:00

it's the first day of spring break so fuck it...i deserve it.

i've got so much work to do, it's not funny. it's not even sad. it's just...pathetic and overwhelming and silly. it's only a break from classes and since i've been skipping like it's no tomorrow...well...yeah.

y'all know my questionable relationship with alcohol. well, i know it. but is it questionable because of certain external factors? did that label come down arbitrarily? or is it a real personal choice?

it is so bad to recognize that with a little lubrication, i become rather outgoing and entertaining? or does that mean i'm incapable of being myself without alcohol
screw it for now...too drunk to care. i'm listening to music, the only thing that gives me any diversion, any escape, any anything. (any anything? clearly i'm wasted).

i'm rambling, i'm on the brink of wallowing, i feel it. so i'll sign off now before things get ugly.

everyone's sick

2005-03-07T16:13:00.000-05:00

i'm sick. with a flu thing. i made the mistake of going out friday night despite feeling a touch flu-ey. it didn't make it worse, not much that is. but i was able to study all day saturday. tho i can't recall much of anything. saturday night...i was asleep by 9pm. until 9am sunday. surprisingly, i got a lot of work done from bed. felt like shit but hey...i did the best i could.

my dad's really sick. he's in the hospital. he'll be fine but i still worry. he's not that young (70) and he's been sick a few times this year. i found out friday and my brother flew out that evening. that night, i had the strangest dream. unsettling really.

my dad was younger, in his fifties, and about forty lbs lighter. and much more cheery, nimble, good-humored (don't get me wrong...he's not an ogre in real life). so he's getting ready for work. he's wearing these really highwaisted jeans a la steve urkel.

on his way out the door, he stops and turns to me. after a pause, he says,"i'll see you later. have a good day" with a broad, joyful smile across his face. with that, he closes the door behind him.

that's the kind of dream people talk about on those psychic shows or oprah. where they knew something was wrong and called and sure enough, the person in the dream had passed away.

i was too unnerved to call first thing saturday morning. but when i did, everything was fine.

coffee and coincidence

2005-03-02T19:27:00.000-05:00

my brother and i went for coffee this evening. the starbuck's in c.p. was closed for some reason. we take the metro to dupont. instead of one cosi, we go to the other because i needed to go to olsson's after. we're sitting pretty in the window, drinking coffee and listening to a girl chew out her sweet attentive boyfriend for being five minutes late. back up...while we were on the metro, i was talking about td. and how, in the big picture, we may not be the best couple material...friends, for sure, but not happily ever after dating. back to cosi: so i've now come to the realization that i need to stop sweating td and chill out and be friends. a sense of calm came over me. you know the feeling where you realize,"i don't have to be that girl anymore. i can stop wanting him at any time." and now's that time.

not two fucking minutes later...

he walks in the door with some blonde chick. my new found serenity drained from my cheeks.

he didn't see me or he acted like he didn't see me. it's not as though i was right by the door or anything. plus the bitch and her pwhipped bf blocked the view of me from the street, so td may not have seen me from outside either. in any event, i got bitchy and stupid and "who's that girl with him?" all of sudden, td is last available man on earth again.

i remembered (way later) who the woman is: she's visiting from burkina faso, where he used to live. she's in town for some conference and is staying with him. i got all in his business about that the other day, asking where she was gonna sleep (it totally slipped out...i did not intentionally mean to be that girl) and whatnot. he's on the futon, she's in his bed. also, she's married so no sweat.

back at home, i've rediscovered an ounce of my earlier resolve and rationality. i like him but as much as we have in common, there's a lot we don't have in common. nothing that could wreck a friendship but (and let's enter a fantasy hypothetical world) enough to give a relationship about six months tops. while in my land of unicorns and easter bunnies...marriage would be out of the question. (yes, kat i said it).

honestly, at this point in my life, i want to either marry or be in some kind of long-term relationship. not today, not tomorrow, not next month, but since creeping into my thirties, i've stopped thinking short term about my relationships (even before i have them). i'm not dating around. not that i ever did. and i don't want to be the forty year old single girl at the club. realistically, td and i don't see eye to eye on things that you have to if you're committed, living together, married (said it again).

all that being said, i'm still crushing on him a bit.

times are crazy

2005-02-25T18:45:00.000-05:00

school's been out of hand! so much work, so little time. on top of it all, i'm trying to find a job for the summer. right now, i'm hating school in a major way.

it snowed yesterday. it took them forever to cancel classes. the rooms were so warm, property was so boring, that i nearly fell out. it was an odd day.

my brother arrives tomorrow morning. it'll be nice to hang out with him again. he just broke up with his gf. i could go on about his relationship ways. but if you know anything about me, then just imagine the opposite. he hasn't been single since he was 20. that's fourteen years. he's a serial dater with fidelity issues.

shot some pool and had some pints with td last night. no big whoop.

caught up

2005-02-16T19:02:00.000-05:00

i got very busy with school this week. mainly because i fell behind for second there but also because it's time to get busy period. the second semester for oneLs is out of whack at my school: 21 credits!! it sound horrible ... really it only sucks. mainly because two of the classes are carry-overs from last semester. still, it doesn't change the fact that i have finals in 5 substantive courses. oh well. i signed on for this shit. i can't get all resentful and hateful about it now. we all know that dropping out (again) is not an option. on another high note...my brother is moving here...next week. i bug him enough by phone; he's got no idea what he's getting into by settling down less than 15 minutes away from me. on a low note, i've decided to play td's game (if indeed there is one) and i made him a cd but with only one subtly-coded song proclaiming my still-there-only-slightly-burning-now interest in him. if only we were truly in eighth grade again instead of acting like it. i wouldn't have a care in the world...

what the fuck am i doing?

2005-02-09T01:42:00.000-05:00

i'm still up...doing nothing. well, i am drinking a beer. it's my second. if my family knew, they'd make my life a living hell with guilt and shame and whatever they would find to beat me with. it's not a dire situation, folks. but i could be making better use of my time. like sleeping. or dreaming while sleeping.

got the itch

2005-02-07T18:46:00.000-05:00

i'm feeling as though i need to write. not here, but do some real writing. but when i came close the other day, all i could think about was all the work i have to do. it may be procrastination but i've got a valid excuse.

at the very least, i'm trying to keep reading non-law things. currently: hottentot venus (so-so) and...well that's all i'm reading. there are others on deck. i bought the sunday times yesterday. since then, the book review, the magazine, and the cover section have all been consumed. i felt so responsible.

one td note, rather a query: guys (kat, i guess that means you since you're my only reader), when making a mix cd for a girl you used to date (albeit briefly) would you,include 5 songs that are kinda specific on the topic of love and relationships? (harvest moon - neil young cover by elliott smith, i'm always in love - wilco, i'm gonna love you anyhow - elliott smith, jersey girl - tom waits, sugarcube - yo la tengo) well, that's what td did.

i'm just saying...

2005-02-02T23:02:00.000-05:00

i'm prone to paranoid flights of delusion...i know this. but, i think td went a'looking for my blog. he sent me this link to some law school blog. but the school the woman attended is here in d.c. hmmmm, let's see...let the flight o' delusion begin! i tried a google search for "law school blog washington, d.c." - which seems to be the logical place to start if you're looking. so this woman's blog was second on the list. my little blog didn't come up and i went through about 10 pages (i added "arcade fire" to the search...you know, if you're really trying to find me).

clearly, i've given too much thought to this. then i'm writing about it on top of that when i should be reading for class. i'm so procrastinating tonight that i actually watched the state of the union address. bush looked quite healthy, vibrant. it must've been the blush.

arcade fire

2005-01-31T19:11:00.000-05:00

went to the show last nite...alone. but venue was big enough and crowded enough that i blended in...as much as i could being the only black woman there. there are some hot boys in this town. i really have to get out more. but first i need a crew. no more of this going out alone nonsense.

coming out in the wash

2005-01-29T17:10:00.000-05:00

i spent the day at td's house, washing clothes. call it a test...to see if we, i mean "i", can be friends without any weirdness. well, there's weirdness. first off i told a small white lie to wash clothes over there anyway. so right off...bad start. but he was all into it and enthusiastically said yes. so we hang out for over three hours...yes i had that much wash to do. he cooked lunch for us, he paid bills while i read crim law on the couch. he brought up this woman i think he's seeing, but it was a fleeting comment. still it irked me a bit.

so the weirdness is that when we're sitting there, doing whatever, all i can think is "what the fuck happened between us again? i know i want to reach over and kiss you and it's taking all my willpower not to. are you thinking the same thing? is this not weird that we're sitting here all polite and friendly when one or both of us want to throw down right here on the table?" or in the alternative, "what the fuck am i doing here? he's not into to me anymore. why be friends? why be bothered?" i wanted to say something but what's to say? i'm still attracted to you and want to be able to kiss you again? let's just start on a clean slate?

on another note, just like last semester, i've got a ticket to a show alone at the 9:30 club and i may not go. this day was a total waste, work-wise. plus we're supposed to get some kind of ice/snow thing tomorrow. i'm kinda lame if i go (yay rock show alone) and if i stay home (throwing money away).

on a third note, he asked what my blog address is. what do you think i said? i'd rather gouge my eyes out with rusty spoon than have him read this thing. could you imagine? he jokingly said that he'd try to find it. while it's a longshot, i still got a little spooked by the idea.

coffee

2005-01-21T22:35:00.000-05:00

the coffee thing (shall not call it a date...date means you get to kiss at the end) went well. awkward. i played it cool to the point of coming across as bored and disinterested. i didn't hold eye contact for too long for fear my eyes would convey exactly what i was thinking. we talked about everything but us. i didn't want to jump right into it. he may not even think there's anything to discuss. maybe there isn't. he asked me out for tomorrow for some poetry/photography thing. i didn't say yes...only maybe. no gameplaying...i'm busy as hell in school right now. he said he'd call today to find out but hasn't. but it's supposed to snow like mad so it may not happen at all.

i thought i was through with td/tf

2005-01-19T17:09:00.001-05:00

i'll just go ahead and blog about him. during christmas break i jumped the gun because i felt a fadeout coming on, saying hey even tho things didnt work out, i hope we can be friends. i brought the hammer down on our "break" (not a break up, mind you) without any input whatsoever from him. he replies and emphatically agrees.
so now that we're "friends," i can't bring myself to hang out with him. sadly, i still like him so. we just clicked you know? rather, i totally clicked with him and felt that i could just be. i put him off this past weekend because i just couldn't face him. we haven't seen each other since the night he told me was seeing someone else...that was two months ago.
so we're going for coffee tomorrow. and i don't know what's gonna happen; how things are gonna be. i have no poker face and no self-control so what i think is being cool will probably come across as being total spaz. i just like him so.
this discomfort should be a sign that being friends is most likely a very very very bad idea.

laughing and crying

2005-01-17T23:07:00.000-05:00

so i reactivated my personals ad and put up a new picture. all i have to say is pickins' in d.c. really, really, really, really suck. i received a wink from a 50 yr old german poet (sounds interesting but not. at. all.) and another just now from the most unapologetic nerd on the face of the planet. that's mean, i know. but i took one look at his picture and began laughing. then crying. then both at the same time.

been so long

2005-01-13T23:25:00.000-05:00

i always pick the most inopportune time to blog. right now, i'm really tired, about to fall asleep. i may also be in the throes of a heart attack. not really. but all day, my heart has been hurting. no not because of him but a persistent yet subtle ache. i had an irregular heartbeat as a child but nothing ever came of it (clearly as i'm still here). my brother told me it a panic thing. but all day? i had an anxiety overload in my first class when i got called on. but i always feel as though i'm going to have a heart attack when i have to speak in class. but maybe i was so anxious i did permanent damage to my heart? no? probably not.

i got my grades. B+ average. not bad at all. an a would've been better but oh well.

my retreat was very interesting and odd and hard and frustrating. there was chanting, but no incense. i won't say it changed my life but it certainly changed my perspective in big way. about myself, about the world.

my how things change

2004-12-26T23:38:00.000-05:00

i was reading some of my very first blogs...back when i cruising along nicely in my sobriety and i had a kickass therapist. then i read the melodramatic pap i've been posting as of late. night and day. but my dark cloud didn't simply form overnight with the help of my friend pinot...pinot noir that is (and the rest of the gang: bushmills, cadillac margaritas by the pitcher, and ridiculous amounts of weed). the fall semester started off so hectic and bumpy...finding myself in rigorous academic environment after a long sojourn...being surrounded by young 'uns for classmates...new city, etc. no, the clouds began to roll in before the booze and way before td rained on what was left of my parade.

no i'm not about to post any new year's resolutions though some may be evident from my tone. however,i will say this: tomorrow, i leave for a 5 day meditation retreat and am looking forward to every lotus-positioned, incense-burning, group chanting, nirvana-filled minute. i'm not expecting to find the buddha or god or even myself. i just a need some peace, some quiet, and a little me time.

having a white christmas!

2004-12-24T16:08:00.000-05:00

it's fucking snowing right now. in houston. on monday it was 74 and i found myself on the balcony trying to get some sun. now it's snowing. that texas weather for you.

oh the holidays

2004-12-22T15:37:00.000-05:00

i'm home in houston with the family. one can always count on a little upheaval at the holidays. needless to say, it's been especially trying. i almost left at one point. things got that bad.

i saw td before i left. the inevitable happened. since he works in my neighborhood i knew it was only a matter of time before we ran into each other. welll that didn't happen but as i was leaving my place and crossing the street i saw him on the other side, heading in the same direction. i could've ducked back into my building but what a hassle. so i sped up and fiddled with my ipod, head down. i'll assume he saw me and frankly i don't know what he was doing up in my neck of connecticut ave. at the light i checked in my periphery and didn't see him. maybe he ducked out somewhere or worse...maybe his girl lives across the street from me.

so he emailed the next day, half-assedly offering to get together "maybe sunday." well, i was already here in houston so i replied as much and wished him a good holiday.

so now it's a matter of seeing what happens. i can't...shouldn't do anything else. there's nothing i can do without looking insane. whatever he's decided, he has decided though it makes me nuts that he hasn't clued me in. and i don't mean by his slightly wishy washy behavior. he hasn't a computer at home and since he's on break, he won't have ready access to one. not that i was expecting a reply. hoping, but not expecting. i'm unusually up in arms over this guy because he's a good guy (other girl notwithstanding). not like the assholes and pricks i usually go for. so i'm just really disappointed with the way it has turned out.

no details

2004-12-15T14:13:00.000-05:00

i can't...i won't go on about td (he's officially "the dick") any more. basically it seems that the break we took for my finals and his getting his head straight was more like...a permanent vacay from me. we were gonna try to go out sat but he begged off. wait...y'all know that. so after a few casual emails since then, i breezily let it drop and wondered if we were going to try to reschedule before i left for the holiday. nothing....zero...no response. i never took him for such a spineless dick but apparently that is he (or him...whatever). clearly he hadn't the skills to tell me he was seeing someone else so i shouldn't be surprised that he hasn't the rocks to tell me to bug off. he's leaving it to me to figure it out from hints which I FUCKING HATE because then i come up with a million scenarios, possible explanations. all of which end up blaming me, focusing on my shortcomings, and basically casting me as the psycho drama queen. the one time i stand up for my feelings and speak my mind on a situation that isn't cool with me...i get the same the results as i would if i hadn't said shit. the men in my life leave me when i'm a passive doormat and now, they leave me when i show a little fortitude. the pattern becomes set in stone and should be tattooed on my forehead. i am easily leaveable and completely unlovable.

during my blogger break

2004-12-08T10:42:00.000-05:00

finals, finals, and more finals. torts went well...civ pro was a kinda disaster. i burst out in tears when the proctor called time. but i quickly composed myself before the kiddies could see me. it's stupid but the competition rears its head even when you're down. i don't feel so bad for the tears welling my eyes...one of my classmates went into a corner and started crying. i felt so badly for her. i wanted to go over to her but there's nothing i hate worse than when i'm upset and people come a'hovering over you.

so i just have one more exam: contracts. which is a non-exam as the class is a yearlong. this is a midterm of sorts and the prof isn't counting it all that much (something like 15%).

as for tf/td...we had two completely natural, polite emails last week. the last one was mine and while it didn't specifically call for a response, when he didn't write back to comment upon my sarcastic wit, i felt a little dejected. so i called him last night. of course i had been drinking (didn't i tell y'all i fell off the wagon? don't worry...i didn't hurt myself too badly). why shouldn't i call him? i was the one who imposed the can't-talk-til-finals-are-over edict therefore i have the power to break it.

he seemed a little surprised (daresay pleased) to hear from me but then we proceeded to have a great hour-long conversation. of course we didn't talk about our status or anything, but it was great to talk with him. it drove home the fact that we do get along so well. damnnit! at the end of the conversation, i suggested that we get together, that he should call me after friday. he gave a medium-lukewarm to warm response and i didnt want to seem desperate and nail down a specific day and time so i casually left the ball in his court. i want to beam him with said ball but will refrain from any violence until he really pisses me off.

he wrote...now wait

2004-11-29T17:55:00.000-05:00

not too long after yesterday's rant, he replied. he apologized for not telling me earlier but didn't want to stop seeing me "because i think you're cool and like hanging out with you." (no comment pls...yes he's 34...yes he's an english teacher...yes he was trying to keep his sentiment as noncommital as possible). he said there were question marks over everyone, not just me. he agreed with everything i said, has "no argument with any thing you wrote" and the capper "you're right."

two words i've never heard from a man. ever. here i was, worrying that i was overreacting.

so he's taking my advice and will think about what he wants while i die a slow painful death in finals. that he'll be in touch after the 10th. so there's that. i'm gonna take his words at face value. and put my head down and kick ass on these finals. come the 10th...we'll see what's what.

sitting with the frustration

2004-11-28T16:54:00.000-05:00

so i haven't heard from tf/td. but i guess i created the situation by saying i couldn't deal with all this right now with finals and all. but i thought i saved the day by writing back to him after the edict email to say that i didn't mean i wouldn't hear him out before finals. so no word.

the possibilities are endless and i haven't time to wonder why he hasn't gotten back to me. the general ones are these: he's really giving me the time and space to focus on finals and not deal with this (ie he actually listened to me) or he's out of the picture because (1) he thought i was overreacting to his sideline action or (2) he's chosen her and decided to let things with me fade out. there are million more variations on these...i may not have even captured them adequately here. but the bottom line is that i have no control over him, i can not find out what he's thinking/feeling, i can not make up his mind for him, i can't do anything at this point to affect an outcome whatsoever. my stance was clear and true and right (for me anyway). i don't like that he's seeing someone else. jealousy isnt the issue; i dont know her from a hole in the wall. i just dont want to get dropped. is there something so wrong with that? i just want him to pick me.

i'm also pissed that i got so into him. i was cool cruising along at glacial speed. but i know the exact moment things turned and i let my guard down. about two weeks ago, after the friend audition, i was at the neighborhood atm. it was a monday in the middle of the day and thought, what if tf is around for lunch? (he works in my neighborhood). not two minutes later, as i'm getting money out, he walks up behind me. i turn to say hi, he says hi, then he kisses me. i hestitated at first but went with it but still, there was some odd discomfort to it.

it's such a small nothing gesture but at the same time, it held this feeling of comfort, familiarity, closeness. like we were a couple. we went to lunch and before parting ways, he kissed me again. both times, while i wasn't adverse to it, i was uncomfortable because i didn't think we were at that point yet. again with the comfort and familiarity thing. i can't give it proper words...it was just a kiss but more.

at that moment, i felt that things weren't so casual anymore. my alarms went off...not because i was getting too into him but that he was falling for me. and i wasn't sure i wanted that. not because i couldn't see myself feeling the same way but rather because i could and at the same time didn't want to. old memories of disappointment fade fast and end up getting in the way, clouding your judgment in the present. i just wasn't looking to put myself out there again. but i eventually went and did it anyway. and look what happened.

and the other shoe drops

2004-11-24T18:53:00.000-05:00

yes tf has now become td, for "the dick." last night, after dinner and a movie, we came back to my place. we proceed to talk about things, us, whatever. no pressure. with finals coming up, i'm going to be a little m.i.a. so let him know that my absence will have nothing to do with him, i just said hey you know, i like you alot and have enjoyed the time we've spent together...i wasn't expecting much and wasn't looking for anything so this has been a pleasant surprise. in turn he emphatically agrees and then says how he's been in a tough place as things could very well move to another level with me but he confused because HE'S ALSO BEEN SEEING SOMEONE ELSE!

i was stunned! speechless! i did not see this coming. while we never talked about being exclusive, just from the way things were moving along, how we are when we're together, how he seems very into me, the thought that he could be seeing someone else never crossed my mind. i thought, damn i finally found a great guy, i'm taking things slow, no drama, i'm not an anxious mess around him, finally someone i can be myself with. but now i see...things will forever be too good to be true.

he went on about how he's torn: we have so much in common - books, music, politics; how easy we get along together; hell our first date we spent three hours talking. but he doesn't know what to do. he asked his friends: well you met s. what do you think i should do? i can answer that question for him: piss or get off the pot buddy. i mean, if i'm so fucking great why are you seeing someone else? what's the goddamned question mark hanging over my head? he asked me if i was okay with this new development and like a dope i said yes. that's 'cause i was still stunned.

but what a difference a day makes! i tried to meet with him but he's moving and i'm studying for finals so i wrote him an email basically saying i can't see him while he's seeing someone else because that changes how i'm going to be with him (meaning i'm sure as hell not going to let myself get any closer to him), why would i want to subject myself to the very real possibility that he's gonna cut me loose for this other woman, and there's no reason - now of all times - for me to distracted by some bullshit drama which can be avoided by simply saying "see you after finals once you make up your fucking mind."

moving right along

2004-11-21T10:17:00.000-05:00

things with tf are still good. much to the chagrin of my pessimisstic alter ego. every week it's a new audition. i met his best friends last week. and friday night i met his mother. yes...his mother. it wasn't an official come-meet-my-mom rendezvous. i gave him some moving boxes i had lying around and since he doesn't have a car, we had to take mine. so, she was home having drinks with a friend from work when we come in. tf introduces us and the first thing out of her mouth is, " [tf's] told us so much about you! so nice to finally meet you!" she's super cute and very warm and personable. then the stepfather comes in and i meet him too. so there we all are, visiting for about an hour. his mom and i were on the couch so we ended up talking with each other while the others chatted. she's not one of those moms...you know, who interviews and screens her son's dates. at least not that i could tell. but again, it's the same thing as with his friends: i couldn't help but think that everyone was subtly checking me out, taking mental notes. but i stayed cool and made the small talk and was an all around polite girl. my mama raised me right.

just in case

2004-11-16T23:49:00.000-05:00

if things don't work out with tf, there's always this.

audition

2004-11-13T23:27:00.000-05:00

so i'm still seeing tf. things are going surprisingly well. i decided the other night that i really like him. he's just an all-around nice guy. tonight, i had the friend audition. you know, where you hang out with his friends once he's decided that he likes you enough to give them a chance to assess your girlfriend potential.

well, tf's best friend is a woman which made me nervous because girls can be so picky and catty about the smallest stuff. she's really cool but they're so close that it makes me wonder what happened between them. or if it hasn't happened when will it?

like an idiot, i ended up going to the movies with them (like i said i wouldn't) and then going for drinks (like i said i wouldn't). i've got so much work to do. and still, there i was hanging out. we met up with more of his friends. and they were just as cool as the girl friend. and yet, i felt my ears burning everytime i went to the bathroom because, c'mon...whenever i've met a friend's new girl or guy, as soon as s/he leaves the table, i start talking about them, giving my assessment.

so all in all, it went well. i have other things to say about the girl friend but will save it for another day.

big bad mama

2004-11-12T01:46:00.000-05:00

i just got off the phone with my mom. and she got into my shit big time. you see, all i ever do these days is complain about school and how much work i have and how i just don't have enough hours in the day to put in law review/top 10% caliber work and how i'll just have to settle for some crap middling spot in the class. well, mama had had it up to here and she let me have it.

and she was right. and i had it coming. at first she tried her new-agey hooey which i batted away with the greatest of pessimisstic ease. then she got all tough love on my ass and i got it. simple and direct all she said was "stop complaining and start working." it's kind of zen in its own way but that aura was killed by the fact she was yelling at me as she imparted the kernel of wisdom.

i love my mom.

what a monday!

2004-11-08T23:24:00.000-05:00

whew...

today was like an episode of "the twilight zone." actually just the last five hours or so. I'm still a little woozy. I exaggerate some, but still...

it's funny how one moment, you're living your humdrum life, keeping up with your routine, and the universe just snaps you out of it like that.

(the above is extremely vague because I'm too tired to tell the story for the fourth time. just sharing my meandering thoughts. good night!)

the shock hasn't passed

2004-11-07T20:49:00.000-05:00

it's been close to a week since bush got elected. it's like a dream, like i'm asleep and it's not real.

i caught a bit of karl rove on meet the press. hard to believe that unassuming dweeb is so conniving, underhanded, and downright unscrupulous. the quiet types are always most evil. but you have to hand it to satan: he ran quite the successful campaign.i still hate him.

and you thought i was depressed w. that last post

2004-11-03T16:22:00.000-05:00

just when my dark clouds had cleared...he fucking won. on some level, i knew that the backwards-assed folks of middle america and high tax brackets wouldn't let their "leader" down. even so, i felt a sense of optimism that common sense would prevail. i'm not talking about liberals storming the polls and taking charge. no, just that people would look at what bush has done and vote based on ol' common sense. if things are bad now, they're only going to get worse people.

i'm in no mood

2004-10-31T08:51:00.000-05:00

i mean this is a journal. i should be able to lay all my crap out, right? according to my sitemeter, no one really hangs out here for very long anyway. kinda like my life. i don't want to go on in that vein or else whoever you are will think me insane, pathetic or both. i'm just really sad today. i'll admit that i'm crying right now. makes it hard to type, hard to make out words in the blur of my tears. so this one may be even more chock full of mispelt words than my usual stupid musings. i'm just really stressed right now and everything little glitch looms larger and more dire than it really is.

for instance...i went out with tf last nite. we saw the motorcycle diaries then went to eat. i just feel like i don't have anything interesting to say when i'm with him. i'm no dummy but i always feel stupid when i speak. i feel pressured to sound smart, to say things i think would keep up his interest in me. why does human interaction have to be so much goddamned work? then again i think that it's a situation of my own creaton.

these last few years i've been kinda cut off from the rest of the world - by choice sometimes, circumstance other times. the only time i feel comfortable and safe is when i have my headphones on or when i'm reading. in other words, when i'm alone. otherwise, out there in the world i feel so fucking awkward and uncomfortable.

career stuff: it will all fall into place whether i want it to or not. friends: it's quality not quantity and i've been blessed with a great bunch (unfortunately they don't live here).

a man doesn't complete a woman's life but there's a great deal to be said for having someone in your life who's on your side; who loves you, even adores you; who thinks the world of you and you of him; who gives as good he gets when fighting over things big and small; who gives you butterflies whether he's in the room or not; who brings a smile to your face when you think of him; who will be there tomorrow and the day after that and probably the next.

that's what most of us want and i don't think there's an unreasonable expectation in the list. it's not a tall order really. and yet, at 31, i've never had any of that. there have been fleeting moments where the elements have all come together. but only a few times...where my heart was warm and full.

and these moments were years ago...years. so you see, i just don't think i'll ever feel that way again. and even if it does come 'round again, it will be like before: just a passing temporary flash. too quick for the keeping, too good to last.

everyone is freaking out

2004-10-28T10:21:00.000-04:00

for real. we all have this Rule 11 Memo due friday and finals are a month and a half away. no one is briefing, no one is reading. everyone is skipping. one friend seriously thought about withdrawing. another had a panic attack. this morning me and this woman from my section started crying. crying! her uncle just died and she was upset because she was happy that she'd get to see her mother at the funeral. I started crying because I wanted to see my mommy. like no joke...i just wanted to be able to rest my head on her shoulder and sigh,"i tired" just like i did when i was a kid.

then I started throwing up about a hour later. my stomach is in knots, I'm exhausted and yet I can't really say that I've been bending over backwards this week. my discipline is for shit...i've got no stamina to keep up when get on a study roll. I'm not giving up but I know that I'm not going to do as well as I wanted this semester.

law school is not this hard. at least not my third-tier school. plus, i've been to law school...went for a semester and dropped out back in '97. so dropping out again is not an option. in fact, ive got few options at this point...that's how i ended up in law school again. maybe there's something to the saying "you can't teach an old dog new tricks." or i've got some chemical imbalance mood disorder thing going on which is entirely possible. how i haven't resorted to a shot of bushmill's is beyond me.

looking for answers in all the wrong places (instead of studying)

2004-10-27T20:14:00.000-04:00

"This lunar eclipse is particularly relationship oriented - and our connections with others can be severed, challenged, or suddenly welded together as the shock calls one to action. We may deeply consider our feelings and needs within the context of the house, sign and planetary aspects affected."

so that's why i'm acting like an idiot.

double damn it!

2004-10-27T19:34:00.000-04:00

i can't stop thinking about TF. it's got everything to do with the fact that i can't see him during the week. i can't call him either. well, i can but he's living with his mother right now and i won't deal with parents. before you groan and say, "sister, i thought you changed your taste in men," let me say that he's just put in an offer on a house and it looks like a go. the man just got back from africa a few months ago...cut him some slack. also, he doesn't have a cell phone. that's because he has no credit because he's never had a credit card, car loan, school loan...nothing.

but damn it to hell!! i want to see him. this absence makes the heart grow fonder thing is for real. it's not that i want to jump his bones (tho that's got alot to do with it) but that now that i'm interested, i want to see him as much as possible. and again it's probably got alot to do with the fact that i can't see him (not to mention the passage of eons since my last date let alone sorta regular fella.) i've always had issues with delayed gratification. if i want it, i want now! i get impatient and antsy and distracted until i get my treat. halloween is this weekend so maybe i'll get it then.

(when i say eons, i mean eons! you would die if i told you how long it's been since i've had sex. i'm no quasimodo looking, sasquatch beast either. there are reasons for the respite but i won't go into it here. those of you who know me know. and i know it's not the end of the world but, whatever...it's no parade either.)

damn it!

2004-10-27T13:33:00.000-04:00

i was just writing a piece on this gorgeous tree outside my window and somehow, i lost the post. i'm too dejected to try to recapture the words. i was verging on poetic! so you'll have to settle for this: there's a pretty tree outside my window.

mondays

2004-10-25T16:11:00.000-04:00

i can't complain today. things are as they usually are and will be for some time to come. i'm too busy to see the fella ("TF" from here on out, until he becomes the dick then TD) until sunday. why does the universe put me in this position. i wanted someone to come along; now he's here and i have to force myself not to spend time with him. oh i could see him everyday of the week but then i'd promptly flunk out of school. plus it's too early to go jeopardizing my future 'cause of some boy. i'm 31 now...i can't be the fucked up co-dependent crazy girl i was in college.

but for reals...i'm making an effort to not do the things done w. previous boys. it's good that i'm busy and studious. it's good that he seems to understand that and doesn't pester me during the week. things may be coasting along at a glacial speed but maybe it's better this way. my usual pattern (drunk makeout > proper date ending in drunk makeout > sex > clinginess exhibited by one party > finito) never really worked...that is if "worked" means "lasting relationship." everything is different this time...slow pace, no alcohol to poison the waters.

(right, i forgot to mention...i hit the one year mark last week. my liver must be in tip-top shape again!)

this is all i need now

2004-10-22T22:44:00.000-04:00

date#3 went very well and i'm now hot for the lukewarm man. he needs a new name, but i can't come up with anything witty or cute or random. i like him and he likes me. it's just the kind of diversion i need with finals waiting around the corner with a pickax to tear open my skull and suck out my brains along with my soul.

from a basement on a hill

2004-10-21T20:11:00.000-04:00

it's heartbreaking. it's beautiful. it's haunting. i could try, like most, to craft his suicide letter from choruses; to strain to pinpoint the last thought he must've had before (supposedly? most likely) stabbing himself in the chest. but i won't...i can't. all of this...it's in there somewhere.

date # 3

2004-10-21T17:08:00.000-04:00

again with the faceless man. i should probably stop calling him that as i have seen his face and really, it's not half bad. monday i wasn't that hot for him, but in the last few days i find myself daydreaming about him. no one has made a move yet so that thought has been running through my mind. a lot.

also on my mind is why i'm not hot for him. i know of that thing called chemistry and the other thing sexual attraction. and it's not that these are completely absent from our equation. but what i'm feeling (rather, not feeling) has more to do with some kind of ridiculous ideal that has seeped into the deepest corners of my brain, heart, and "girl parts." (see kat about that.) you know, everyone wants the hot guy, the hip guy, the whatever guy. even if you haven't consciously composed a checklist of your Man, there are bits and pieces of him floating loose in your psyche and, quite possibly creating a severe case of tunnel vision. anyone lacking some of those bits falls into the periphery. missing some of those pieces...well i see right through you.

my ideal? at this point if he has a penis great. seriously...i don't have one but my type (if you could call it that) is some combination and variation of most the guys i've dated; which is based on the one guy i was in love with.

i'm making this more complicated than it needs to be. when i go out with my lukewarm man, i'll have to make my move to see if....i won't finish this with the obvious (and weak-assed) closer that came to mind. if were a better writer, i'd come up with something else. but i'm not...at least not today.

monday mornings

2004-10-18T07:54:00.000-04:00

usually they're crap. but i'm trying to be optimistic and view this chilly a.m. as a new beginning...a new week. (are you buying this positivity poo-poo 'cause i'm not).

my other personality - the studious, responsible, anal one who forced me to go to law school - took over last night. she made me miss the tv on the radio show because she kept whining repeatedly, "but we've got soooo much work to do." i put on my headphones and listened to the album instead as we worked on our civ pro outline.

went on a second date w. the partially faceless man. we went to the zoo. random, but kinda fun. we saw mo rocca riding a golf cart around with two assistants crammed on the backend. i think he was wearing makeup because he was radiant.

i like this new man. but i'm not hot for him, at least not yet. he's not my type per se but my type hasn't served me well in the past so i'm trying to keep an open mind. don't get me wrong...we have a lot in common: well-read, similar musical tastes, total dorks. we have great talks and good times but he's not someone who at first glance i'd say, "give me some of that on a hot platter."

no...really he is my hero

2004-10-16T22:10:00.000-04:00

i just saw the crossfire clip on media matters. tucker carlson is such a dick (but i do have a strange and very perverse crush on him). he tried to be funny with one of the funniest guys around sitting right next to him. bomb. he tried to be patronizing, as he is with guests even the slight bit liberal. la bomba. like jon said, he tried to make my man be his monkey. bombe!! jon wasn't having any of it and said so. i love this man. i love him. i love him. i love him.

choice exchanges:

CARLSON: You need to get a job at a journalism school, I think.
STEWART: You need to go to one.

CARLSON: Wait. I thought you were going to be funny. Come on. Be funny.
STEWART: No. No. I'm not going to be your monkey.

CARLSON: I wouldn't want to eat with you, man. That's horrible.
STEWART: I know. And you won't.

and the coup de grâce:
CARLSON: I do think you're more fun on your show. Just my opinion.
STEWART: You know what's interesting, though? You're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show.

my hero

2004-10-15T21:19:00.000-04:00

this is why i miss cable and jon stewart.apparently, he tore into tucker carlson and the crossfire gang.

i miss my mtv

2004-10-15T17:18:00.000-04:00

even in its present mutated, adolescent-driven state. really, i miss cable more than anything. when i catch glimpses of my dreamboat jon stewart on various blogs/sites, my heart sheds a tear. dave chappelle...thinking of you always. it seems that i miss comedy central, but there's more. i miss hbo. i was fortunate to catch six feet under right up until the second to last episode, then the light in my life went out.

since moving here and starting school, i've been without television. i finally rigged my set with some random connector-cord thing so that now, i get nbc. scrubs...reunited and it feels so good. but nbc only...that's it. i get none of my guilty-pleasure shows like top model. i definitely miss the bernie mac show as much as i miss dave.

somehow in the move, i lost track of all the various cords needed to hook up my dvd player. so i can't even rent films or watch my copy of amelie for the thousandth time (guilty-pleasure dressed up to look like an arty film). my classmate jason is a netflix fanatic. every mon., when he's preparing his order for the weekend, he asks me about a thousand questions about a thousand films. i'm no walking film encyclopedia like quentin tarantino, but i know my way around.

sitting on my hands

2004-10-14T17:41:00.000-04:00

i hate, hate, hate misspelled words. it's a crime against the eyes. then i realized that i, moi, put out a post with a misspelled word. an easy one at that. it's anal i know...it's just such a pet peeve of mine. i can be kinda snobby about it too.

and lo and behold! i can only say that it's a (mal)function of age and mental exhaustion. i'm dying to go back and edit the post and fix the damn thing, but that would be anal. instead, i'm going to whole foods.

oh, the horror

2004-10-12T17:31:00.000-04:00

i just received my voters registration card today and as i was perusing my information, i was bowled over. someone, somewhere, made a serious mistake: my political party was listed as, gulp, republican. i know i filled in the correct party when registering. i know the implications aren't that dire...i can still vote for whomever i please. but still, the only affiliation dubya and i will ever share is that we're both texans.

in other news, i bought my ticket to the tv on the radio show. given the dearth of interesting people at my school; rather, people with interesting musical tastes, i will be going to the show alone. there's plenty i could say about that sorry state of affairs but i won't. i've called for a ban on comments that seeth w. self-pity. let's see just how long it lasts. . .

that was nice

2004-10-09T21:53:00.000-04:00

just returned from my coffeedate w. the previously mentioned semi-faceless man. and well all i can say is thank the lord...he's not ugly but actually really cute.

waiting for him in front of kramer's books, i scanned and scrutinized every face that happened along my way; hell, even every face at 100 foot distance. i caught sight of him coming up from the metro and sighed with relief. dressed well, tall, lanky, saltnpepper hair. when he came over, my first thought was nice eyes. then, i didn't know what to do: half hug, full hug, kiss on the cheek. so i went with an overly professional handshake.

basically we sat and talked for three hours. then went to another bookstore before meandering around dupont circle. no real direction or purpose. we parted ways at the red line, going in opposite directions: glenmont side for him, shady grove for me.

my new personal theme song

2004-10-09T14:50:00.000-04:00

Coin operated boy. Sitting on the shelf. He is just a toy. But I turn him on And he comes to life.
Automatic joy. That is why I want A coin operated boy. Made of plastic and elastic, He is rugged and long lasting. Who could ever ever ask for more. Love without complications galore.
Many shapes and weights to choose from. I will never leave my bedroom I will never cry at night again. Wrap my arms around him and pretend.
Coin operated boy. All the other real ones that I destroy Cannot hold a candle to my new boy and I'll Never let him go and I'll never be alone.
Not with my coin operated boy

Coin operated boy. He may not be real Experienced with girls. But I know he feels Like a boy should feel. Isn't that the point? That is why I want A coin operated boy.
With his pretty coin operated voice,
Saying that he loves me.
That he's thinking of me
Straight and to the point.
That is why I want A coin operated boy.

- the dresden dolls

things that go bump

2004-10-07T21:46:00.000-04:00

last night, there i was, sound asleep and dreaming, when my body got very stiff and tense. my dream faded and i slowly came to and realized what was disturbing my much-needed rem cycle: a strange barking. fully awake, i listened and got chills. the barking was odd...high pitched almost like a squawk but still a bark. the animal was passing in the alley behind my building. the night was cool so my windows were open; i heard it loud and clear. incessant barking...as though the thing was hurt or dying. but it wasn't whimpering with each step as injured animals sometimes do. and it wasn't howling. just barking, barking, barking. i can't describe it; i can't mimick it. but i've never heard anything like it before. i was actually frightened, frozen. i hate to be melodramatic and call the sound blood-curdling but...it was. if hounds of hell really exist, there was one in my alley last night.

did you miss me

2004-10-04T17:17:00.000-04:00

i didn't blog for a whole week because i didn't have anything to say. that goes for today as well.

but i do have a question, strictly hypothetical because i wouldn't know the first thing about online dating (insert incriminating wink here): how does one diplomatically ask for another picture before committing to coffee? i know it's superficial but let's move it to the oh-so-real world setting of a bar: you wouldn't give your number to a guy 100 feet away; whose face you could kind of see but about which you couldn't get any pertinent details (i.e., thumbs up thumbs down). i know the answer: i'm not gonna ask for another pic because that's just rude. plus it would probably ruin what might be a chance at doing something else besides study w. someone besides the kiddies in my section. from what i can make out, he's not ugly so there's that. plus beggars can't be choosers. i'll leave it up to you to decide who's the beggar in the equation.

(those last two lines are why i hate blogging...my shortcomings come across much shorter; my self-deprecation loses its pathetic charm and i just seem like a total loser.)

semi-productive weekend

2004-09-27T09:52:00.000-04:00

i got some work done even though i had two out-of-town visitors. my mom, as you, and then my friend katwas in town and we had lunch on sunday. it was nice to see an old friend for a few hours. of course all i did was complain about law school among other things. so it's monday, again. new week, same work. blah.

he's just not that into you

2004-09-24T19:47:00.000-04:00

those six words saved me from a lifetime of woe. who knew that sex in the city would actually heal me. the thrust of the episode was: miranda had some good dates w. some guy and one night, invited him up. he gave the "early day tomorrow" reason/excuse and said he'd call. well, lameass never called and poor miranda was sweating it like most women would. (come on, ladies....it's true). carrie's latest luvah burger (everyman hotness ron livingston) offered this after much badgering: he's not that into you. and miranda's world opened up and all the bad feelings evaporated into thin air. and at that moment, the same thing happened to me.

coincidentally, i was going through the same thing. i met this guy at his sister's wedding and we hit it off. after a drunken night that started at the reception and ended at manzanita, we went on what i thought was a great date a few days later. so when he didn't call me back, i began afrettin' like miranda. "but we had a great time" "maybe he's just busy...he did just start that new job" "maybe he lost my number" (sad sad sad). "he seemed into me..." nope, he wasn't. so burger saved me. it may have had something to do with me...or not. the fact of the matter was that he wasn't that into me. period. not complicated. nothing to decipher, no further speculation necessary.

so now the brillant fellow who wrote that scene has co-written a book, he's just not that into you. he's a stand up comedian who coincidentally i saw open for jeneane (mangled that...i know) garaofalo (screwed that one too). i haven't read the book but have read a number of reviews and interviews. his point is simple: if a guy is into you, he'll call. if he's busy, he'll call to tell you he's busy. he'll come in for that nightcap even if he's got a meeting at 7 am the next day. that's what someone who's interested does. if he's into you, you'll know it. if he's not, you'll know that as well because your phone's not ringing, your cell still as the night.

who was that angry blk girl

2004-09-23T22:21:00.000-04:00

i sure was mad huh. ranting. raving. my post makes sense but i don't how as i was hot, i tell you. i told my friend jason about it and he looked at me like i was nuts. "and you've been black how long?" he couldn't believe how crazed i got over it. then again, as a black man, i'm sure he's had countless experiences like mine. i've had some too but Mr. P set something off.

my mom's in town and staying at a posh hotel as usual. not on her dime though since she's here for business. so we got room service: filet mignons and vanilla ice cream all around! it's that time of the month so i was hankering for some iron. (did i just discuss my period on my blog? there are so few layers of privacy left). i told her the story and she kept asking,"did i miss something? is that it?" so clearly i'm one insane black chick.

i'm really angry right now

2004-09-20T21:10:00.000-04:00

i'm in such a mood right now you have no idea. it's been a long day. walking home tonight, there was a guy twenty or so steps ahead of me. he kept eyeing me out of the corner of his eye. i knew what was up. him:white, me:black. or him: big p*ssy me:black. either way, i knew the score and i'm not being overly sensitive about it either. so i'm behind him for a block. i get it, i'd be worried too. but whatever.

so i realize that Mr. P lives in my building. so now i have to follow him in. i was worried he was going to confront me or mace me. instead, he stepped aside and fumbled with his keys (that he had taken out half a block ago) all confused like. at this same time another man came into the entryway with groceries. so when Mr. P stepped aside like that, i knew what was up. shaking my head, i sarcastically but quietly fumed,"oookaaaay" like Mr. P, i've got your number. i jangled my keys extra loud as i turned the lock. i slipped in without holding the door for Mr. P. walking across the lobby, my annoyance grew and my face got hot. Mr. P was trailing far behind like he was still worried about me. at the elevators, i shook my head and chuckled to myself.

inside the elevator, with Mr. P, i pushed my floor first so he wouldn't persist in his mugging scenario (fantasy?) any longer. i was closest to the buttons and would usually offer to push another's floor. not for him. i couldn't look at him let alone speak to him. the poor guy w. groceries sensed something was up. i was hot! my face was on fire, my ears probably bright red. Mr. P paused like he didn't know which floor he lived on and at this point my paranoia and sensitivity were peaking and i thought that he pushed four to fake me out but that he really lives on five. i wish he lived on my floor so he could see my black face glaring at him everyday, reminding him that yes stupid i live here too. so now an hour later, i've let this ignoramus still get to me. it's not so much him but me. i wanted to say something at the front door. anything. but that's not me. i've never been that person with balls, or even a fucking spine. i just glare and huff and puff but never let my feelings be known. just call me Mrs. P.

i love l.a.!

2004-09-15T17:59:00.000-04:00

just kidding. but there are two things i like/miss about l.a. - trader joe's and kcrw/morning-evening becomes electic. jamba juice used to be on that list but now they're everywhere. but, lo and behold! there's a trader joe's about fifteen minutes away....eureka!!! and now that i have dsl, i can listen to kcrw via itunes or kcrw.org in a nice uninterrupted stream. so i have two things to be happy about. just two...that's all. blame my attitude on the dreary weather and the fact that ONCE AGAIN i have to miss the austin city limits festival. last year, i missed it because of work and this year, school is the culprit. there's a stellar lineup plus my friends and i were meeting there from various cities....i'm so sad! i sold my three-day pass to my friend alex who will get much use out of it i'm sure.

elderly biker gang

2004-09-14T08:20:00.000-04:00

the trevails of walking the sidewalk continue to pile up...the day after my post re: the mormon cycling club's taking up the sidewalk, i was walking home from class, minding my own business. i was well to my side of the walk and i guess my arm was swinging a bit but not too spastic or anything. suddenly, my hand was attacked from behind by an old man's wire bicycle basket. he was riding along in the middle of the sidewalk and got a little too close to me. i jerked my hand close to my body as he weaved on down the walk, with no apology, excuse me, no nothing. later than evening, i was nearly flattened by an elderly woman coming towards me on the sidewalk. i saw her coming and not wanting a repeat of the earlier incident, i gave her the entire sidewalk by stepping into the grass and waiting for her to pass. as she drew closer, she looked distracted by me (or startled...by my race maybe?...it wouldn't have been the first time) and began to wobble and weave so that she rolled into my safety zone, right over my foot. i fucking give up, i thought. i'm just gonna start walking in the middle of the street.

my double life

2004-09-10T19:52:00.000-04:00

i spent the last several hours with my dad networking at the black caucus. when i do stuff like that with my parents, it's almost like with some inate switch goes on when one of them says, " and this is my daughter, stacy." and before i know it, without thought even, i'm smiling and shaking hands and making small talk with lawyers and senators and mayors and gillionaires. it's the life i was genetically programmed to live. but then i look closer and see the hungry ambition in their eyes, the elitism, the snobbery. i also notice the sidelong glances at my tattoos or at my nappy, non-chemically straightened/store-bought hair all afright about my head and shoulders. it's like they see themselves in me, like, "yes well her parents have done xyz and make xyz bucks and she's so polite and well-spoken...yes, i do believe she is one of us, but...." and that but is what i crave. i can run with these alpha dogs and buppie princesses but i can still be me. i don't live for their approval. i'm not trying to impress them. in a way, though, i'm a user too because you had better believe i'll call every single one of them when i need a job.

as they say,"what goes around...."

2004-09-09T18:49:00.000-04:00

i've blogged too much today but had to put this story in.

bikes

2004-09-09T17:48:00.000-04:00

people who ride bikes leisurely in d.c. are all wrong about it. they should visit austin to see how it's done (even there, tho, they sometimes irked me, especially around campus). visit nyc to see how to ride survival-style. don't ask anyone in l.a. because nobody rides bikes except day laborers and busboys. nobody in l.a would be caught dead on foot, let alone a bicycle.

here in d.c., they break every common sense rule there is. they ride on the sidewalk! do you know how annoying that is? they do this on busy sidewalks in georgetown. how the hell am i supposed to navigate around you, mr. church of jesus christ of latter-day saints, when you and your pal, mr.mormon, take up the entire sidewalk? and another thing, people here ride facing traffic! it's just wrong, WRONG.

don't think i'm hating on the mormons. it's just that two of them happened to hog the whole sidewalk earlier today. tomorrow, someone else will do the same and i'll pick on them.

sick no more

2004-09-09T09:38:00.000-04:00

the tides of snot have waned. i can swallow without pain and more importantly, i can read and comprehend my textbooks like there was no tomorrow. my nerd capabilities now fully restored, i can spend hours on end in the library.

things can't get much worse

2004-09-07T13:32:00.000-04:00

just as i began patting myself on the back for putting in a full day at the library, i also began to feel a little flu-ey. and yesterday afternoon, as i stood in line w. the throngs of holiday shoppers at target, my body began to ache and my throat...lordy my throat felt as swollen as a baboon's ass. it all culminated while i was sitting at my desk last night trying to type up a brief and catch a violent sneeze at the same time. my keyboard suffered my lack of coordination and catlike reflexes. i won't go into the slimey details. just when i was all caught up, i've fallen ill as i knew i would. as i always do when i'm under huge amounts of stress and forget to eat and to sleep. my movers come friday a.m. and my dad will be here for the congressional black caucus. plus my great friend kat may be in town as well. i'm gonna have to study doubletime in order to fit everyone in.

i thought i was on the right track

2004-09-05T21:11:00.000-04:00

finding myself still at the library several hours since my last post, i started to take this as a sign that this law school thing was shaking out to be a doable task. demanding yet doable. then, i go and read my horoscope and find this:

"If you write books or screenplays in the coming year, Jupiter will help you create a superb body of work, one that might just bring you the profits, awards and applause you desire. You may also take media training classes, give lectures, or get a chance to write or edit a special feature for a top magazine, as just a few examples to get you thinking. Do a good job, and you may suddenly become a hot TV and radio guest. "

i left in the hot tv guest part, not because i'm aspiring to oprah-like heights of world domination and housewife subjugation, but my best friend cathie (and fellow leo) is well on her way to this end (but w. a rockabilly sensibility).

so maybe i should finish one of those three screenplays languishing on my hard drive...while i make up my mind, y'all feel free to check out your horoscopes if you're so inclined. i'm a leo so i'm only interested in what my planets are up to.

you read, therefore i am

2004-09-05T16:00:00.000-04:00

thanks to my audience for the feedback. in that case, i'll blog more often.

sunday afternoon and i'm in the library. finally i'm getting into the swing of things, school-wise that is. socially, well, that's another story. maybe it's because i'm older, but my classmates are so catty. i'm a gossipwhore and talk shit about people's shoes but these kids take it to another level. also, even though i'm finally surrounded by my "people," i still feel my same old disconnect. there's not a single person (so far) who would be interested in going to a dive bar with interesting (read: not 50cent) music on the jukebox. if i mentioned weezer or the pixies or the like, they'd look at me like i was crazy.
then there's the drinking thing. the "clique" i've fallen in with drink like fish. drinks are fine but getting to the point of not being able to speak in complete coherent sentences...i can't hang. there's this guy (not of my clique so he doesn't exist so why should i care? joke) who, at every party, makes a point of ribbing me about not drinking. "you're a funny smart beautiful girl" he says "the only problem is that you don't drink." of course he's swaying and slurring as he says this.

i'm always complaining

2004-09-02T18:25:00.000-04:00

if it's not one thing, it's another. i haven't blogged in awhile because that's all i do when i do: complain. plus i don't know if the three people i've told about this are even reading. there's little to complain about today: i've finally moved into my place. i only have a bed but that's a start. the rest comes next week.
living in a hotel for three and half weeks really sucked. it created this odd feeling of disconnection. i didn't feel grounded at all and could never really focus or get a routine as far as school was concerned. consequently, i'm a little behind. well, not behind, but while i technically do all of my work, i would sink like a rock if a professor called on me.
thank god the weekend is upon me. three days too! not much a vacay as i will be reading my ass off.
if you're reading this, bless you and leave a comment to let me know if this isn't all in vain.

drowning in open water

2004-08-23T17:24:00.000-04:00

i had an unexpected break in my day so i went to the waterfront, did some schoolwork in the sunshine, then wasted 6bucks on open water. talk about hype. all i can say is someone was taking notes during the blair witch project. it was all buildup and no real payoff. i barely jumped, no...flinched (not even a jump), at the "scary" moments.
so my stuff finally gets here, and though my apt isn't ready until the 1st and i have to put my stuff in storage then hire another crew to move me in...i couldn't be happier. it's better to get my stuff now than when full classes begin. skipping would be impossible then.

eggplant eyebrows

2004-08-20T23:22:00.000-04:00

i first saw them last week. affixed to a pasty forehead on that obnoxious kinda useless but still compelling for five minutes show the graham norton effect. and just above the tall white expanse of said forehead, strategically sculpted, product laden eggplant patch of hair.

i've seen them since then. alot. on entertainment tonight, on access hollywood, on conan.

what the fuck has seth green done to his eyebrows? what idiotic stylist forced him to follow the general (tho not mandatory) rule of dyeing your eyebrows the same color of your new dye job? who told him eggplant was a good color to begin with? so his eyebrows look as tho he spread a choice merlot across his brows and let it set. i can understand the hair...he's trying something new. but to follow up with the brows...it's very disturbing to me. i can't shake him because he's out doing press for his new flick without a paddle. get it? i'm still trying to figure out how to post pics so until my brain unravels the mystery, check out wireimage for photos from the premiere.

i saw garden state tonight. not bad...kinda touching, funny. but i've had a crush on that zach braff for some time. scrubs cracks me up. plus he's got these full, raspberry-colored lips that i just want to smooch. yes, it's been too long since i've had any action. if i told you, you'd be shocked.

pro-cras-ti-nation

2004-08-19T00:47:00.001-04:00

the title is to be sung in the tune of rod stewart's 'infatuation.' the point being....that i'm still taking my time in adjusting to law school life. thank the stars that it's only an intro class...full classes don't start until the 30th. but there's still reading to do and case briefs to be briefed and what am i doing? watching sixteen candles . almost 10pm and not a lick of schoolwork's been done. i had errands today. just two really but one involved driving. i was a bit intimidated by the insanity of the d.c. streets but it wasn't too bad. but it took me awhile because of the elevated terror status (fuschia! maize! ocean blue! i don't know the accompanying color code). several streets were closed which my handy streetwise accordian map failed to indicate. so i got back here at 6 and have been doing nothing but surfing the ol 'net and watching s.c . the end is near...when jake shows up at the church. as i just told my friend jason in an email, that scene has made it effectively impossible for me have any realistic relationship expectations whatsoever.

an eternity

2004-08-15T15:59:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted because my life's been turned upside down by this law school thing. I forget what my last post was about and which school I was going to at that point.

Here I am in Washington, D.C. attending Howard Law. Loyola offered a seat in their evening/part-time division but I declined because they don't allow students to transfer into the day/full-time division. I just turned 31 so I don't have time to dilly-dally. The evening division would take an extra year...I've got to get in and get out.

I found a place then dropped it for another but then found the walk to the Metro to be close to 25 mins. (not the 15 the lease agent quoted me). I'm not schlepping five trillion pounds of law books for blocks and blocks if I don't have to. So I dropped that place and returned to the first. It's four blocks from the law school and has far more charm and character. Plus hardwood floors. But the sucky part is that the apt won't be available until 9/1. So I'm living in a hotel until then. Thank god my mom has a great job and an even greater heart. I wouldn't have been able to make this move without her (financially and emotionally). Nonetheless, I'm a basketcase.

another day...what a difference

2004-08-04T01:23:00.000-04:00

the loyola excitement has worn off. until i get things in writing, i'm not gonna get all jazzed up. plus there's still georgetown. i'm still waitlisted there. they were supposed to send an update on the 30th. i didn't get one so i called yesterday and she said that should be getting it later in the day. well that never happened. so i wrote this evening and basically said whatthe fuck! send me my shit! something...even if it's just another email saying that i'm still on the waitlist. there are a million people on waitlists, torn between schools, waiting to hear. but this is all happening (rather, not happening) too close to the wire. my brain is scrambled. my head is on the verge of exploding.

What a difference a day makes

2004-08-03T01:02:00.000-04:00

Yestering I was preparing to move to D.C. to start law school at Howard. Today, after phone calls and family powwows, I am returning to Los Angeles to start at Loyola. It's the Evening section which has a second-string/scrub team aspect to it but frankly, I've been out of "real" school since '97. I think it would be in my best interest and that of my g.p.a. to ease into the rigors that await me. Anyway, I have the option to transfer into the Day section after my first year. For some reason, I'm real nervous now. Before, I was anxious but because of the whole waitlist thing, I maintained a real Zen attitude that came in handy. But now, I''ve butterflies in my stomach. Nothing like my freak-out on Saturday.

The full moon fucked with my emotions big time. I awoke around 11am and declared to my mom/roommate/boss, "I'm not leaving my room today." With that, I left the bed only to eat and pee. I just didn't want to do anything, see anyone, run any errands. I finally left around 7 to see Napoleon Dynamite (cute, but kind of a one-note joke that ran about an hour past its punchline). Sunday was more of the same. I cleaned out my files and straightened up my room in preparation for the real packing. Then watched Six Feet Under and Entourage. The latter is Marky Mark's new show about a rising Hwd star and his lackeys from back home. I like the industry aspect of it because that's my field but if you could care less about the biz then the show is okay...very macho guy bullshit about getting laid, smoking weed, and buying guy toys (cars, mansions, and killer home theater systems).

more packing awaits...

2004-07-29T23:51:00.000-04:00

just when i thought/hoped the boxes would go away, i have to pack up my stuff here in h-town. it's not that much. half i'll cram in my car for the drive and the other half i'll have shipped once i find a place in d.c. unless loyola comes through. i'll know for sure tomorrow or saturday at the latest.
more seriously...

yesterday, a woman beat her child in front of me. i was sitting in semi-traffic on one of the busier surface streets in houston. a long day of running errands for my mom/boss. while the light was still red, the door of the minivan in front of me flew open. out popped a petite blond, late 30s, in medical scrubs. she throws open the sliding door (it was a fancy minivan with sliding doors on both sides) and furiously hits her child three times. it happened in a flash. before i could blink, she slammed the sliding door closed and jumped back into the driver's seat.

i wanted to honk my horn, get her license plate, flip her off. but i was simply stunned. i couldn't believe my eyes. since i was directly behind her in the far left lane, i was the only person who could really see what she had done. so when i looked at the guy next to me and motioned, he thought i was hitting on him. he winked at me, the pig.

i could tell the poor kid was strapped into a child's seat. i could also see the top of his/her head so i surmised that s/he was of toddling age. this cunt's fury and anger gave me the chills. just imagine how that child felt, essentially tied down, with nowhere to go as she hit and hit and hit. the minivan actually shook.

she continued to yell at the child after she climbed back into the driver's seat. the light turned green and thank god i was turning left. i sped up and got into the turning lane. i slowed as i passed her and looked over. she was still yelling, using the rearview to make sure the kid saw the anger in her eyes. she missed my shocked/appalled glare.

i'm a child of the south who has had her fair share of spankings: with belts, with an open hand, with switches. and though i don't have any desire to have kids, should i become knocked up via divine intervention, i'm not going to rule out the spanking/swatting of the little one's behind. but this woman was out of control. her jaw clenched, her cheeks red, focused and determined to make that child hurt. what did the kid do? s/he was in a car seat so it wasn't like the thing was climbing the seats. okay so maybe the kid was throwing a tantrum? how does a beating improve the situation? again this woman was out of control. she threw her car into park in the middle of traffic, got out and flung open a heavy-assed sliding door with ease, and hit her child with enough force to shake the car. what did s/he do, call her a cunt or something? if s/he didn't then, just give the kid about 10 to 12 years.

i've been away...far away

2004-07-26T02:38:00.000-04:00

sorry to you my reading audience. i've been in los angeles since thursday. one: to be in my best friend's wedding. which that was the most fun, wild wedding i've ever been in/at in my entire life. it was a three day affair in a sleepy beach town that has only one bar. since i don't drink anymore, it was a challenge to be held captive for three days with that party crew. it was the first time since giving up the sauce that i felt so uncomfortable, anxious, self-conscious. but i got through it and had a good time.
two: i went out there to get the rest of my stuff moved out of my apartment since i'm starting law school in august in d.c. which even that is still up in the air as i am still waitlisted at loyola in los angeles. the whole law school issue is fraught with uncertainty and anxiety so i won't start on it.

hmmm...

2004-07-12T00:11:00.000-04:00

what to say, what to say...i saw anchorman today. steve carell (the daily show) was hilarious. i wouldn't consider myself a will ferrell fan but he makes me chuckle. there were some devotees in the audience who howled at every joke, gag, bit will tossed at them. there were a few moments when the film began to feel like a snl sketch gone too long but nothing like the ladies man or superstar . its saving grace is the fact that it did not originate on snl. people don't have any expectations or past history with the bit so it's new to them.

i'm reading james frey's book. i know i'm late...but i don't buy hardcover books. i always carry a book with me which makes lugging a hardcover tough. so i have to wait six months to a year for it come out in paperback. so i'm always late, real late in reading the latest buzzworthy books.

it's quite a compelling read. there have been some parts where i couldn't put the book down, others i skimmed a wee bit. his take on addictions and aa/12steps is right on, in my opinion. as one who's been sober for nine months (no i wasn't pregnant), as one with exposure to and trouble with aa and its 12 steps (it's a cult i tell you though not as insidious as this one ), i felt, finally...someone else who refuses to hang their issues solely on the genetics peg and fall into line with the other steppers who tell you their way is the only way to pull your shit together. james frey may be a egomaniac, may talk mad shit about dave eggers and david foster wallace and this, his first book and all. but he tells his story with an up front, direct, brutal honesty that i find refreshing.

About Last Night

2004-07-08T00:09:00.000-04:00

Okay so I should be reading but instead I'm watching About Last Night , that attempt by Brat Packer Rob Lowe and Brat Packer-hanger-on Demi Moore to move into a more mature, age-appropriate movie relationship. I liked it the first time around but I was but a mere child of 13. It's really not all that bad this time around. The soundtrack sucks ass and holy shit! Demi wears shoulder pads, an oversized sweater or both in almost every scene. It was '86 so these things are to be expected.
I do this thing when some random movie comes on...I go to imdb.com and check out the cast credits. Three interesting finds: Megan Mullally, Catherine Keener, and Patricia Duff (Revlon mogul Ron Perleman's ex-wife). Another interesting fact: it's based on a David Mamet play. There's not a single hint of that Mamet syncopation in Rob's delivery....shocking.

thumbs up to self-improvement

2004-07-05T23:37:00.000-04:00

I've been on a massive self-improvement kick for almost two months now. Partly because I'm temporarily living with my mother in a shitty city and have nothing else to do. I hate it here, hate it, hate it, hate it. Before falling headfirst into a pit of depression, I decided to make better use of my time and get my shit together. Which brings me to the second reason for this thumbs-up bender: I'm tired of being either miserable or just-barely content or floating among one of the many points of melancholy in between. I used to think it was cool to be depressed, to be cynical, to be pessimistic, to be fucked up in the head. Not that I intentionally brought these moods on, but once in my dark place, I would dig in and wallow. I figured who wants to be a shiny happy upbeat person? What's so interesting about that? Not much, I thought.
And I still think that, but only to a degree. I'm not trying to be a Mouseketeer or Kathie Lee Gifford. I'm just trying to wake up most mornings with at least half a smile on my face; to be genuinely interested in the people and things around me; and to believe with a bit of conviction that there's a good, worthwhile reason why I'm here. Plus the whole glass-is-half-full thing.

My very first posting

2004-07-01T22:01:00.000-04:00

This blogging thing...quite the phenom. I'm just now getting to it so that must mean it's becoming passe. I joke, I joke. My friend Kat has suggested it to me twice. Her blog is quite witty, always insightful...an all-around good read.

I won't go into who I am, not just yet. It will all come out in some one way or another. Especially my soft addiction to all things gossip. I don't care for those grainy assed papparazzo pics. Just give me the basics: who, what, when, where, toys involved if any. My morning routine includes rounds to the usual suspects then to some of newer, blog-like culprits. These are like a crack habit or a bowl of peanut m&m's...they contain countless more links to other like-minded blogs, sites, etc.

So that's about it for now. I'm going to try to publish this with links and all.